Monday, 11 July 2011

Calypso's Isle

Soon we will take a trip to Calypso's Isle (a.k.a. Malta & Gozo in Europe) on a research trip *cough* holiday *cough*. It would be giving away too much of the story to say why we are visiting this ancient island (in terms of how the visit will be presented in the documentary), but rest assured it's a good reason.

We plan to visit Calypso and interview her about Wallace. Here is an early draft of the script:

Visit to Calypso

Person 1: [talking to camera a little distance from Calypso] Studying numerous feature length films and novels has allowed us to gain expertise in the art of talking to Gods. Firstly, you must never say the words “the”, “a”, “am” as in “I am” or “are” as in “We are”.

Person 1: [cut to interview with Calypso] Hail, Calypso, queen of ocean. We would like audience. We team of historians with great request.

Person 1: [back to talking to camera] You must always give them a token of friendship, and it has to be completely useless and have a name with at least six syllables.

Person 1: [cut to interview again] Please accept our gift – an ornamental wog-wog-joggin-joggin. [gives twig to Calypso]

Person 1: [back to camera] You have to compliment them. {“Fine, fine jaw and great power”} preferably with the words “beyond all other Gods” {“beyond all other Gods”} and spend a few minutes eating whatever they eat. {“This wheat grass is indeed nourishing!”} And then – then you say what you want.

Calypso: What is it you ask for?
Person 1: Information, on someone you may know - Wallace Intrubé.
Calypso: Ahh, orange boy.
Person 1: Yes...
Calypso: I deliver great victory for that boy.
Person 1: It is true, then, that you helped him defeat Hartleys and Mafia in great battle?
Calypso: Yessss. The sea did my will, and his.
Person 1: What persuaded you to help him, then?
Calypso: If you're worried someone might manage it again, that is not the case. I take orders from nobody, particularly men.
Person 1: Surely if you take orders from nobody it makes no difference if it is a woman or man?
Calypso: Aye. That be true. But rest assured I will give no further help. Not to him, not to anybody. He played a role nobody else could fill.
Person 1: What role?
Calypso: I had a debt to settle. A man, of course, vile creatures as you are. Nobody but Wallace can rip the soul out of another man. And that is how he settled the debt. By ripping out the man's soul!
Person 1: How did he do it?
Calypso: Only by severest of methods. Biscuit technique.
Person 1: Ah. You know, we've never been told this, but what exactly is the biscuit technique?
Calypso: If you knew, you would be worse than dead. Do you want that?
Person 1: No.
Calypso: Pity... [frantic music begins]
Person 1: What?
Calypso: Your fate is not good, traveller. You trespassed Wallace's secrets. For that you will pay.
Person 1: But – you gave them to me!
Calypso: That is irrelevant! You expect Wallace to enlist my help and fail to ensure those who discover so never live to tell the tale? Feel the wrath of Calypso! You may live yet – that is, if you can escape my territory before my wrath consumes you! [Laughs wildly]
Person 1: [Standing up, cluthing head, screaming!] No! No!
Person 2: [Cameraman] Come one, let's go! Go go!
[Escape scene, dramatic music, culminates in Dr Frankland diving off the Azure Window]

Naturally, as in all good documentaries you need an action scene or two, and hopefully this will provide!

Sadly, after we board, we can give no updates until we return - the Internet has not reached the place we intend to explore. Whether, education, democracy, law and standards of hygiene have is something we should be equally concerned about...

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