An Interview with Magician Tunnok

We are steaming ahead with the script for "Who is Wallace Intrubé? - Part 2", and as it becomes ridiculously long and less feasible to film within the next two months, we complete an exclusive interview with Magician Tunnok, part-time resident of Sabden and expert on the Pendle Witches! Click "read more" to see the interview!

[Interviewer and Tunnok sit down]

Interviewer: Thankyou for agreeing to meet with us, Mr Tunnok.

Tunnok: You're not welcome.

Interviewer: Ok, let's proceed......you've been a part-time resident in Sabden for how long?

Tunnok: Six years. Fourteen months, thirty five days, 42 hours, 89 minutes and [looks at watch] 14 seconds.....16, 17, 18, 19, 20

Interviewer: Thankyou. And you say you have a record of every witch who has ever lived in the Pendle area for the last 900 years?

Tunnok: I do.

Interviewer: Tell us a bit about them.

Tunnok: I've documented over 200,000 witches, 400 of whom are alive to today; so you've got your Alice Nutter, Dem Dyke, extending all the way back to Roena Ravenclaw, then right up to modern-day witches, so there's Sybill Trelawney, Katrina the Oppressor and Serafina Pekella. Those are the most famous ones, of course.

Interviewer: But how is it that you tell them apart from each other? They are, and I'm sure you'll agree with me, rather uniform in their appearance, are they not?

Tunnok: Oh certainly. They're equally disgusting and horrid. But thank heavens they are, because otherwise I might develop an attraction to some of them.

Interviewer: No doubt. Is there a way, to tell them apart?

Tunnok: There is...you have to look at their powers. Each witch gas a different set of defining magical enchantments to their name, in addition to the spells that everyone has to learn from this book. [Gets out Hogwarts Journal]

Interviewer: That's incredible, may I take a look?

Tunnok: Of course. [Shots of Interviewer turning the book over in their hands, then using a finger to stroke the cover then licking the finger]

Interviewer: Fascinating....so am I right in supposing that if you were to look at the powers of those in possession of magic, you could identify the witch who possesses them?

Tunnok: Yes, you can trace the powers back to the witch.

Interviewer: Well we're looking for a witch, who we believe had some of her powers stolen by someone. Have you heard of Wallace Intrubé?

Tunnok: [Dark Music begins, shadow appears across his face.] Oh I've heard of him.{Could show someone holding up something to put a shadow over him “That's not necessary” (music stops) “Sorry”, Interviewer turns back to Tunnok. “You've heard of him?” (music begins again) }The devil's accomplice with a rugged face to boot. Oh we've had some words, Wallace and myself. He certainly left a bitter taste when he stopped by the house of Katrina the Oppressor.

Interviewer: It was Katrina the Oppressor he stole from?

Tunnok: Oh yes. [Looks morbidly aside] Only Katrina could have provided the kind of magic he uses to travel the world. I don't know what else he stole – you'll have to ask her yourself.

Interviewer: How can we find her?

Magician Tunnok: Well, you see the trouble is she's very good at keeping her whereabouts a secret, and on top of that she's incredibly well disguised. But I can tell you where she is for a small fee.

Interviewer: Certainly. [Hands money over]

Magician Tunnok: She's over there. [Camera moves to Katrina in full witch clothing at a nearby table, wearing a huge nametag]

Interviewer: Oh.